champagnelace.livejournal.com

Did you think I would forget how to love? It's like riding a bike. Everyone falls off and scrapes their knees sometimes.

You blinked away the tears. Chest heaving up and down, you broke out in quiet sobs all over again. You feel your heart beat a painful throb, and it was a different kind of ache - a literal ache, not metaphorical, not a figment of imagination, it was real and you could feel it groaning in hurt. You clutched your chest, excruciatingly aware of the quivering sound of your teeth and arms. Yet, in next to no time, you stopped your tears. Anger surged throughout your body, like an irate volcano lashing out and drowning the world in its lividness. How dare anyone do this to you? How dare anyone look down upon you? How dare anyone breathe lies into your face?

You felt as if you were wounded all over. Disappointment clings onto you like a parasite grip, and you watched the clock tick-tock by at a vexingly slow pace. When good fortune falls, neither an hour can be added nor a lost hour be recalled. Here comes bad times, and miserable moments add on like an element. Bliss is scraping at the bottom, and you shook your head, blinding yourself to any sweet actions done or had since happened unto you. You are scarred, deeper than ever this time, a huge gash upon your soul, threatening the composition of your emotions. Look at the happy moments; you tell yourself, they slipped by with the stealth of an illicit lover in the breaking hours of morning light, and no sooner will bad times join in the mix. The impact was colossal, your heart beat quickens and thunders in your ears. You can feel your pulse pound ominously, as if blood will be drawed away from you, and your soul sucked out of your life. It was like huge tsunami waves crashing against your boundary, before you crumble down and submit yourself to the waters that menace you into darkness.

Mentally, you asked yourself, why bother? Yet you know your heart was never carved out of stone, but you know well enough that you needed this break, to sort the things in your mind that had already formed a massive cobweb, waiting to be unraveled and solved. The agony was once again tearing her apart. The emptiness, loneliness, need for reliance has now, once again, become self-sufficed matters. Why do the people you love most always have to hurt you in the most terrible ways? Thoughts are becoming incoherent as your vision blurred. Your lips cracked at the slightest twitch, yet the refusal to move anywhere was too strong. Your brain has grown to a mass of wool, which carries a tinge of weariness. You got to be strong, you know there are friends, but what now – what exactly? Frosted glass colours your future and you know not when and how to move the next baby step. You forced yourself not to feel any slimmest pinch of sorry for your ‘cruelty’ and unkindness. You fend yourself away from defiance thoughts, though bleak, but still defending all odds of possibilities. To step back, and to watch; fed with apprehension and anxiety – as to what may happen, it may all be negative, but at least an answer will be woven out of all complications, no matter what certain desire there is, daring you to succumb to it. But no. Not now, not yet. Time is what you really need.

Still a five foot three frame of steel walls and consternation, still tentative, still helpless.

First him, now you.

I am gonna die tonight.

Yogurt digs!

Meanwhile, there's a couple of CDs i am totally dying to get my hands on

Everything but a girl - Acoustic ( Its the bombzxzx)
Wowjazz!
High Society (a whole new crazy collection of songs and awesome classics!)
- A Love So Beautiful
- Music to watch girl by
- Burt Bacharach
- We got the soul?/ Passion?
And one or two more which was rly nice! Man, I'm so gonna turn my future home, into some jazzy classical acoustic music library!

I've been feeling a tad weird these days. Maybe it's just a dose of sickness that's doing all these to me, or maybe just so many things occuring at once. But in any case, i've been wanting many things, when I'm penniless. Yes, zero cents with me, and yet my bank of wants is growing. I don't wanna become those materialistic, shopwhores kinda girls.The most basic example, would be more clothes, more desses, more skirts. And then, i cannot really remember. I think i know i want many things, but they just come and go, so -.- whatever.
I want a pair of tickets to CATS): Sobs. But it's sold out for students tix, and the rest that hasn't been sold is really too pricey. I want to stuff myself with nachos while watching movie, but Im currently not at my best state of health, so darn. I want that pencil case I've been eyeing on at PageOne, but my boyf has gotten it for me! YAY! I actually told him, and he got it for me straightaway. I felt so bad, like a spoiled little girl but yay yay yay! He's the best x 100000000000.
And I haven't been out on a movie date for so damn long. How many months have it been? One, two three? Yeah, it is that bad ): How long have i last went cycling, for the sea breeze that lifts up my hair, and the wind that carries our laughter along the sandy coasts? How long has it been since I last went swimming, feeling the familiar scent of the water brushing across the skin of my body, and feeling the surge to move through the waters? How long has it been, since we spend many carefree dates together, without giving any shit about money, school work, exams, etc? Too long to remember. And now, sickness is what holds us, and it is what slips our time away. Or maybe my idea of fun is too narrow, I should start thinking of ways that keep us preoccupied WITHOUT spending a single cent. I suppose that's quite easy. I got a couple of things not done yet, scrapbook for the most urgent and important task on my list of things to do. And yet it is always pushed back, so much for the urgent factor. Haha, damn the school (again). I guess people have the same, dumb mentality that people in the arts have it all. Fun, slack timetable, no labs, less work, more play. But for me, it is jsut the same. My own timetable is cramped (well at least for the first term). Or maybe my lack of time management skills is the cause of everything. I havent taken anything familiar in my combinations, except Math. My GP fails me, geography's been blah, you get the idea, and well econs and all that? Lit? Wtheck?! Big ha-has to me. But i guess it's too early to tell, I HOPE. Right now, i still feel like playing. I wanna learn tennis outside, to no avail, i want to learn piano, yeah kinda late isn't it? Strictly on terms, I'm kinda talentless. But i'm not evoking pity or whatsoever. I don't need consoling words, i actually feel okay with it. Because i got the most wonderful boyfriend in the world :DDDDD I know things happened, and they already did. I made my choice, my stand. And I'm here with him. So that's that. I don't care how many of you out there disapprove, or clicked your tongues at the decisions made. He's been here, always by my side, all the time. And when i say all the time, I mean every single moment, everytime that I needed him, he's always there. A phone call away, a text away, or just one call, and bam wham, he's there right beside me. Sometimes, i think i fail as a gf, but he's made me fall in love with him again and again. It's crazy, and in many crazy times, i wanna strangle him and tell him to stop being so nice to me. And he's my primary source of entertainment. He makes me double over with laughter, and he's forever making silly faces to amuse me. Like, right when I'm typing this, he's using his webcam and making really cute and retarded faces. Oh my goshhhh, I swear something's wrong with him. But I love him, for this very reason too. And love is not blind, this is a bloody misconception. I can see the things he has done for me, its a whole massive lot of them. If you want to stretch them from end to end, there will be no end. He is not THE boyfriend, as so many bimbos in the world love to name it in their ljs and xangas (because it sounds so damn cool?), he is not JUST boyfriend itself, he is MY boyfriend, MY world, and MY everything. He is Dan Poh, the love of my life! And i love bragging about him to my friends, so there. This is not just an addiction nor an obsession. I was really happy when someone made a passing comment about how sweet we were. And it got me thinking (because i didn't before), that it is true. We stand by each other no matter what. Like I said, things happened. Not just between us both, but individually. And when i felt I couldn't breathe anymore, he was there.
To remind me to take that very breath.

The cold water splashed hard on her body.

Without a flinch, she drew herself closer to the water, gushing downwards, flowing over every single inch of her body. She knew her body was sore and aching, her legs were scratched and her skin should have reacted with the water. Yet she was anesthetized by the physical surroundings, oblivious to her sense organs. She silenced the tenderness and wished with all her might, that the water can in turn silence that certain emotional pain inside of her.

She forced herself to relieve all the episodically events, every single bit of them, she took in her stride, knowing she will fall deeper into the pit hole. Her tears formed in an instant, and she surrendered, finally, to her heart, breaking and hurting at the very moment. She sobbed silently, coughing into the water and covering her mouth, lest she let out gasps of pain. Sorrow and devastation, her mind could only replay that same line, that seems so ever fresh in her memory, “Do you know, how much my heart is breaking because of you?” She should have known, that the worst feeling isn’t when your own heart cracks, it’s when you created a deep dark fissure in that one person’s heart you never meant to hurt, ever, that one person whom you dutifully love with every pump your heart beats, every blink your eyes make and every breath you take. The wrenching was more than bearing, it was tearing her apart. She turned the tap further downwards, hoping, wishing, and longing for each droplet to wash away her peccadillo, her wrongs, and her sins. The force of the water kept her remorse alive, to remind her just how undeserving she was of others’ love, and how she has grown a cowardly and useless shell over her back, having to carry it and disappoint her only true love, yet again. Flames burn in her stomach, and she felt her heart wrenched for a second time. Strangely, she willed for more painful memories to be replayed, like a roll of film reversing backwards. She knew she couldn’t acquaint with anyone about her life outside, or even in her very house. Her insides were screaming at her to stop thinking, feeling and thinking, and inevitably, the images popped into her, tormenting her mentality every moment. As she recalled how she walked through her day, distracted and preoccupied, she felt choked up with negative emotions, almost ready to burst into zero existence if she had the chance. She was exhausted, definitely. She ran, ran for her life, hoping that in some corner, she can trip, fall, and disappear into the greens below. Dirty as for sure, but rid of all problems. She battled with her mind all the same, deciding to take the gutless and spineless way out. Her lungs ache, but she ran all the same. She was hoping to be saved from that damn salvation, wanting to blame the whole world for everything, knowing that it’s a mistake to run right from the start. And yet when she started, she realized just how fast her mind shut out all recollections.

Traumatized and distressed, she finally recognized the fact that she wasn’t in the right state of mind emotionally. Even after running, she felt as if she was in a daze, regret filled her heart soon after, yet she blinded them away, unwilling to be condemned, not just yet. She was in daylight daze, seemingly unfazed by anything around her. She couldn’t even remember herself at the moment, and it was what she wanted, wasn’t it? No. Cold hard truth. No. The pain she had caused to another from her own root of pain, was a million times worse than anything else. Yes, being upset and disconcerted could not serve as a reason to explain her outrageous behaviour, her selfishness, her inability to place him before herself. Mere excuses. The consequences faced afterwards, how she had to see the agonized look in his face, every new and unsullied painful truth reliving through his mind, with her very own eyes, how much she fucking hate herself more than ever…

Snapping back to reality, she turned off the running tap, rubbed her skin incessantly, before dressing up to cover her skin. All that’s left to do is to start picking up the pieces where she left them, and do her best, and do what’s even beyond her ability to undo her mistakes. She will damned-it do whatever it takes, even if it means everything.

It always dawns on you too late.





A friendship forged seven years back. Started out so unstable and rocky, as adolescents, we were already gossiping about each other, yet appearing to be buddies. And yet, few months later, we evolved into true friends unexpectedly. Though there were no memories both of us can recollect, we often mused over the mere fact that we got together as steadfast friends, and years later, we grew to realise that quantity of meet-ups were never impt, it was the quality. We never had stormy tiffs actually, though there were a number of times you left me mysteriously for another gang. Recalling back, you weren't the stand-by-me-no-matter-what kinda bestie, and yet i still viewed you as one. Now, I am really questioning myself if that is plain foolishness or all but just my willingness to stubbornly think the best of you still?

Perhaps it's predominantly my fault, for suddenly intruding in your life 4 months back. You helped me without further questions, and accompanied me till i got better. I was grateful for your company, thankful that I had you as my very best of friends. And yet, i withdrew from you almost immediately when things were alright again for me. I guess I've always held on to the slightest hope that you might be happy for me, for getting what/who I always wanted, because that's what make me happy too. But again, I guessed wrong. You were not pleased apparently, though you breathed no word about it. I dare not talk to you about my emotional feelings nor my innest thoughts, for fear that i may jsut lose you as my friend altogether.

When somebody kind of indicated to me that you aren't what I perceived you to be, I was defiant and defended you straight away. I felt tons of remorse, building up inside of me like the raging fires in a volcano. Because over those particular past few months, you had proven to be a very good friend, even though at that time we weren't talking as much anymore. Or so I thought. I should have sensed the wall you subtly build against me, I should have expected that, and yet I did not. Was it my constant obstinency to think the best out of everyone, especially you, or was I too conspicuously unintelligent and unobservant?

You knocked out all breath in me, in a very distressing manner. Just that one simple line. Is, or rather, was our friendship really that superficial. I was rather disturbed before, by how you wanted money for your own use, when days ago, you were chatting to me happily about how your parents are going to reward you for your results. Yet, I know it was my fault to start with. But you have gone too far. I can never forget that one simple line, which jarred my mind with one unexpected blow. The sudden emotional disturbance created the most humane physological reaction in me. I did not bawl my eyes out, nor did I cry out in obstreperousness. One convulsive gasp, before i started weeping. And as fast as I started this rather hapless act, I stopped. I couldn't be more thwarted in my emotions and perception of you. You put me in a quandary condition, one that I know not what to opinionate of you.

But it became clearer this time. When I heard of how you wrote that comment, which drowned all hopes of salvaging this friendship, i plunged into a cognitive state, my thoughts disorientated. I'm sorry i had to say this but you strike me with disgust when I saw it in my own eyes. How could I not notice this was coming? How could I be so sightless as to not realise all these? Why was it that, even after the many times you ran off with the others, witnessing the forlorn me dragging my feet along during camp, I still forgave you just in a mere blink of eye? Was it my imbecility? I balanced out my feelings good and proper this time, and I looked back at it with apathy. Your scorns were met with my disapproval. If you wish to be disconcertingly blunt, and purposefully hurl hurting remarks at me and him, I have got nothing else to say.

I do not wish to condemn you, nor do I even blame you even now. Though I was flabbergasted at your crude remarks, and lost all will to keep this friendship going, you will be that someone who has walked through a part of my life, in one way or another. And nothing can change that. I still love you, as a friend, even if you still are or not.

Is our friendship now void of value and meaning? Or have you threw it away into your past already?

Was gonna do this for a long time. Wanted to continue, but i think i want to stop right where it begins. Could have easily deleted this entire thing away, but i didn't. No, not because of the long history of memories, but rather, the memories which i find myself being the happiest girl in the world, so loved, so smittened, so on top of the world. Oh God, how i miss everything. Was at Takashimaya looking at all the cute stuff, and my head burned, exploding with so many ideas and things i wanna do, for someone special. Yes, and i remembered the mistakes i made, and i cant forgive myself anymore. So yes this is it.

(ON HIATUS)

Being miserable, is because. I've forgiven everyone else, but the only person i haven't forgive, is me.

I promise i wont abandon you, my dear old blog. I guess its just me that i dont give up on things for new stuff. Yes, not even for the really classic lj which is far more advanced than blogspot. I'll stick to you and simplicity, and where i've started, originally.

“If you love someone, and they break your heart. Don’t give up on love, have faith, restart. Just hold on.”
Still like this quote.

PEOPLE MY EMAIL HAS BEEN HACKED SO PLEASE LEARN TO BE SMART, BE VIGILANT, BE WHTEVER. ITS SO NOT FUNNY BUT STUPID LILI SUCKS.
The following is Lili's great kindess to help me mass email everyone since my email got hack and i got zero contacts ):, well in the form of a very amusing, and totally retarded form. Here goes:

ATTENTION: Rachel's (My) email has been hacked.

Greetings!

If you have noticed by now, you should have received an incredulous email from Rachel Soon being stranded in some part on our beautiful Earth.

Don't be DECEIVED!

She's obviously still blissfully living in Singapore, attending school everyday as usual.
Apparently some really intelligent hacker hacked into her account, and sent all of us that incredible tale.
Please don't despair, or send that hacker into condemnation. We should be thankful that someone is there to provide us with laughs, what with our mugging every minute of the day.

In any case, please add Rachel using her new email account, she's kinda lonely with a blank msn account. (OKAY JUST KIDDING!)

rachel.0422@live.com

PS: Go read that email if you can, you could do with some laughs. Apparently he/she doesn't know that we're living in a new age, old tricks don't work anymore.
Practice SRQ, try to falsify his/her claims!

Your Sincerely,
Lili Teo.

HAHAHAHAH so there you go. Miss Drama Queen is totally hers! ;D Thanks lili! ;D But shes goign to be condemned, because yuying said to her this:

ζζÞטđđįמģ.::]] life IS a bed of roses; minus the petals and add the thorns. says:
ur email i deem as an insult to our intelligence

HAHAAHAH. Lili is the best man. So lame. I never met someone so retarded before -.- Okay so not funnny. I hate it. Melanie, bernice and all the ny ppl who might be reading this. Add me back ;D

Hahah sitting with stefanie is really hilarious. Her actions and remarks are so crappie. That stupid girl. Shes been feeding me with jokes, not very flattering but otherwise damn funny. The jokes werent very funny but the way she find the jokes funny make me laugh. Haha her laughter is damn infectious. Haha and eva's like polluting our mind with the jokes. Stefanie is secretly a R____! Hahahahha, she sms me just to tell me she got the wrong version of this joke abt pppl stuffing fruits up their butt -.- haha omgosh damn funny la. And she jsut have to tell me wht happened at the third ep of Gossip Girl!!!!!!!! Oh gosh i want to kill her. AND LILI!!! WHY DID YOU TELL HER. STUPID GIRL! I know you're reading this! Hhaaha, i am so goign to watch ep 4 and scream wht happen into your ear ;DD

OMGOSH I CANT BELIEVE STUPID JIAQI ACTUALLY POSTED THE STUPID OBAMA/OSAMA MISTAKE I MADE ON HER BLOG. HAHA SUCKER! I so can imagine stefanie going "You're so stupid i feel like slapping you now" (yes thats how violent she is) and rolling her eyes off, if she ever ever know wht i said. Hahah hmm she wont ever know, right ;DD

School's kind of boring, and we all ended up talking and laughing. Stress is getting into us. Esp me. Couldnt believe i fall asleep without knowing. Hmmm, my heads been hurting. Again):

TO HELL TO THAT PERSON WHO TOOK MY BLOODY HUNDRED OVER PLUS BUCKS AWAY.

Nothing seems to be going right.

Shucks. I cant do trigo i cant do trigo i cant do trigo. I cant do P&C, i cant do matrices, i cant do this. And hell, i cant do chem, like seriously i cant. All my huge lack of conceptual understanding. And gosh biology is boring me. Physics, i bloody cant do physics. And i want to cry. Like urgh. Someone save me. I feel so damn stupid i dont know what to do. I dont even feel like studying. And chinese, dont be fooled by the marks, i cant do the cloze passage for nuts!!!!!!! I RLY WANT TO SCREAM. English, no hopes. I fluctuate here and there, if the topic given is something like war or some crap, i'll fail and say bye. I cant even do SRQ!!!! Humanities, i always flunk during the major exams. I realised-.-, just cant get any of these right. Education is meaningless and all i want top do now, is to bury my head in my pillow, cry and scream my head out.

Bye.

My grandpa pulled me away for a short talk this evening. And i wasn't exactly very nice him because i was tired, and i knew what was coming. Grades. It was like a repeat of my and my mum squabble, abt her comparing my grades in CA1 and CA2. And i was like, wht the hell is your problem, i every year also will fluctuate. Im a human, and humans make mistakes. You cant expect me to maintain a certain grade for like every term? Not like the papers standard dont change. She kept bugging me about it precisely because my rs grew open. My grandpa was nicer to me. But still, long-winded. It made me pissed at him, pissed at myself, pissed at the whole world. And yet, i find myself tearing at his words. Which at this point of time i suddenly can't remember, (or is it just choosing not to rmb). Maybe it hurts, but right now i really dont knw wht trigger me. Twice i find my vision blurring , and even though my response was like shit, because i somehow cant decide being teary/grumbly, i know its time to buck up. I hope i know though. Because sometimes you know, but you dont do the things you know. Ohwell, im just a hopeless emotional creature. In any case, he made a bet with me but i know it isnt much of the point. Wht he wants, wht my mum wants, wht this society wants, i just have to try my every best to give, don't I?

Pictures time!! Happy moments, as i remember how sweet these dates can actually be.


YAY BAKERZIN!



TCC!!! LALALA! Even though the prices went up like alot, but still!! Heh took many pictures, but i shan't post my favourite one. YAY I LOVE THIS GUY!

Im boredddddd. Think im going to waste this holidays away. Nooooooo): I hate school, why am i always saying that. Wehhhhh i hate end of years, its a bloody 50%!! Im afraid of biooooo and physics. Basically im afraid of the sciences. And english, and chinese and humanities too. Oh and math. Waaaaah im scared of all the subjects. Oh shit, die die die. Im lagging behind all the sciences smmore. And humanities. Okay thats like damn jia lat. Someone save me. I dont want school to start next week. Let this be an extended holiday until november! Then decemeber holidays will come. YAY! -.-, the books are really doing me in.

Just why the hell is everyone mugging so damn hard.

WHEEEE! CRAZY RETARDED NICE PHOTOS :D The trip back from esplanade on friday ;D






Yay its love that pulls us through.

Nobody understands me, nobody ever persists too. Guess i'll nvr find someone. Tears, tears, tears. They never fail to come, and they'll follow me the whole night through today.

Its hurt. And its showing. I just need someone to care, to care enough, to understand me enough through and through. I guess im asking too much.

I feel neglected. Really.



















I feel replaced. I feel something is changing, not me, but something definitely is. I know it. And this time my intuition is right.

PHOTOS TIME! TAKEN WHEN I RANDOMLY BROUGHT OUT MY CAMERA IN SCHOOL. SO FUN!


Eva! You posed for this ;D

Jasmine mugging, with her fav phrase " OH NO IM DOOM!!!"

?!?!!? STEFFFFFFFFFF LOOKS SO ... DESPERATE! HAHA!

Cherie said i mustnt blog this, so i did. That makes alot of sense.

Eva's doing.




You see her tilt.

Now you see me tilt.

Then sleep ;D (Dont ask why the rubix cube is on my desk, its all steFFF and her crazy craze for them.)


Wingyau's going to kill me if she ever see this!

HAHA. QIANWEN :D

PIGPIG! IS LOVE! Stef keep saying its damn qian bian, so she took a photo of it. How ironic.

Went to catch fireworks from France on friday with dannnn! :DDD Luckily we came early, cuz we thought it'll start at 8, so we were there at like 7 smth. It was scheduled at 9 but started later anyw. Hahah but it was seirously worht the wait because the fireworks were so pretty!!! And our spot was like seriously the best. You can see everything and the fireworks felt super near us. Whee pretty pretty. It was such a happy thing to watch the fireworks(: Yay! Didnt take any pics of the fireworks cuz we ewre too caught up in the feeling of awe while watching them. Hee.

Wonder whats going on. Dont want to figure it out. Complications dont work, but again oversimplifying things just makes matters worse. Im a simple person, really. Life just kind of sucks sometime, and happiness seems further away than I thought.

Rachel (Ong)'s all time fave Profiteroles.














And this is heaven! My Warm Chocolate Cake! Its nicer than TCC, pity it was so small. Shall go with Dan next time. I want to try my waffle ice cream and etc etc etc!! :DDDD

Thanks rachel for coming all the way down to pei wo. Whee i love my bestie ;D I think i wasted a lot of time your time, you must be mugging like shit. But i know you're reading this too. You deserve loads of hugs from me!

And i dont know where to start. Was it self radicalization or was it mere confusion of myself? Many times i come to realise i know nothing about myself, and i dont even knw if i even have a personality. I feel like a floating figure, just blending in with the crowd, just trying to please everyone, and yet in the midst of pleasing, i cant stop myself from showing the unpleasantness i felt when doing that. The only thing i know about myself is that im really weird. Like seriously so weird that i think nbody can ever figure me out. No one can because i think my thinkign is complex. And no, that isnt self praise, im ashamed of it. Im ashamed how Im just a fcked up someone, wallowed in my own small selfish world, being greedy and self-centred, always thinking that things shld go my way and i dont stop until things go my way. And despite that, i still dont try changing this really ugly blotch splattered in my sketch of life. This has really really really got nothing to do with whtever happened, its just totally random and out of the blue. Something/things been really really bothering for the past i dno, period? Yeah, i dno when it started. Is it a fear? Is it a worry? Is it just over sensitive? Is it insecurity? Nah i doubt so, i dont think so. I just dont get myself. Why the hell am i so irritable these days. why the hell do i get pissed off or upset over like serioously nothing? Why do i get sad and why am i never satisfied. True, im happy with some decisions, and i guess those are not a problem of satisfaction or wht now, i cant be more content with that, and its most importantly not the problem of never being able to satisfy me because i do get contented rather easily. I mean, really. And i think this just contradicted with whtever i said abt thigns goign my way, i dont know. Everythign jstu works so extreme in different situations that jsut leaves me really confused. Who the hell am I and do i have like zero personality? Sitting in the mrt station today for arnd 15 minutes just got me thinking. All these days i get frustrated so eaesily, never being able to hide my feelings, and gosh do i really need to start to make these negative feelings subtle. Why my smiles are growing lesser. Whats wrong with me. And i thought for so long, which just got me more frustrated, and my mind was blank, didnt know which mrt to take to where. So i just randomly took one to PS, then couldnt find a place to well study so as to get my mind off everything, then mrt to vivo, thinking perhaps the open area at the top level, which i think they call it the sky park or whtever, i can jsut sit somewhere quiet and stone. But nonono it was crowded with families and dozens over couples. I felt totally weirded out, like every corner, nono every step you take you can see couples k. But the night sky was really pretty. Though the moon wasnt full, there were like at least arnd 10 stars up there. But ah well it was so noisy, and i felt awkward even if i sit there, but thts if provided i can even find a space. So i just went back in and sat on those retarded green chairs. Stoned for another 20 mins and i was like forget it, i just think i need to change for the better, i need to be more understanding. Maybe i was too used to getting things my way, and i learnt how to spare a thought for others and learn how not to be selfish for once, and think of others, not just yourself, not just for your own joy or comfort or ease, but for others, their convenience, their happiness their worries. Learning it the hard way can jolly well be alas instilling it in my mind how i shld never be selfish and greedy.

Conclusion, pms-ing rly sucks. But im all fine now ;D I miss dan!

Whee havent been blogging for days. Been falling sick over and over again.So irritating!!! My stomach felt rly queasy, righ ton dan's birthday. Omgosh damn suay. Stupid jiale, she was saying i super suay over msn. Idiot man. Hahah and i've been falling asleep during lessons, because i havent been exactly feeling very well. Weh today didnt feel well again. Sooooo didnt go for the Connext singapore thingy which was rly lame anyw. And my sister is mean mean mean. Ah well time to get used to it. Hmm managed to go out with dan on his bday anyw. Whee dempsey hill!!! PS CAFE! OMGOSH its like super super super super pretty. The price is rly pretty too but hey the food was worth it! Like rly super nice, wanted to ask him to get the lamb but he refused. Idiotic man. Haha took some pictures aft that, then had to go home soon. Sorrrrrry): It was the best i could managed on tht day anyw. Sad sad nvm. Next year will be btr. At least i get to give him his card, prepared beforehand;DDDD I guess thts enough.
Went starbucks ytd. I swear im never ever ever going starbucks. Ew gross gross gross. The hot choc was so er xin! Bleah ):





LOVELOVELOVE YOU!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY DEAREST DANNNNNNNNNNNN!

Something for you:
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height.
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.

I love you to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.

I love you with the passion put to use
In my past, present and future too.
I love you with a love I seemed to lose,
But now i've gotten it back ever since you stpped into my life.
I love you with every breath i take,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! and, if God choose,
I shall but love you better after death.

Been quite busy these days, quite tiring too. Haha but i know its all going to be worth it, everything will be. Lala shall just post a pic.

Haha singaporeans' mentality. When i was selling singfest tix at 160 bucks, those who are smart came to ask first and they got it. Then it was raised to 175, and there were a few more. Now its officially sold out, and then all the people stream in and call and sms desperately for the singfest tix. How retarded is tht?! Haha i was quite sad actually, because i shld have bought more tix!!!!!! And then sell to them like nowwww, im sure they will buy it. Shitttttt. Hahah nvm nvm, theres always other money making chances.
Hmmm been pretty busy these few days. And have been really sleepy in class which is quite unlike me. Haha dont knnow why, been rushing here and there. Time is tight, money is tight. Stupid la, i shld have just gone with the flow, my first instinct is always right, and yet im a worry wart, i question my instinct and in the end, i waste more time and energy. Like today!!! Wth. I look like some idiot, and got fooled arnd by more idiots. In the end things are undone and I really want to box myself aft tht. I rly hate it when im all set out to accomplosh smth and i dont get wht i want in the end. Hahah this term block tests isnt any disappointment even though i got lower than previously. Because i didnt put much hope into them in the first place. Effort iss liek totally er super little. Yeah cuz hey, studies aint tht impt. I want to do smth im happy and rly enjoy doing in the future, not dabbling in science, research, politics or news or whtever. I want to have a long term and stable one, so it has to be smth i really like(: And i know what it is and im alrdy preparing myself for it. Plus its forming! Lala my co partner ;D;D;D Lets rly start work soon!

Walking together beneath the soft sweet tears of the heavens above.
Mystical orbs of sapphire flame, myriad of outstretched hands.
And this sweet breath of impregnible protection I'll cherish.

LEVIS JEANS AT 100$
BRAND NEW
WITH YOUR OWN CHOICE OF MODELS (Original priced below 160$)

SINGFEST TIX AT 160$
DAY TWO

BOTH ITEMS WHILE STOCKS LAST!
CONTACT ME IF INTERESTED! LEAVE A TAG :D

I sometimes wonder what do people really mean when they blog. I sometimes wonder if they are trying to say something through their words. I sometimes wonder if im just taking their words too seriously.

Then again, I wonder if i even have a sister. It's kinda saddening to see how much we've grown apart. But question is, were we even ever close? I remember how from young she was never willing to express any sisterly love for me, not directly anyway. I remember I had to use a certain tactic to let her reveal herself that she actually wants me as her sister, but it grew off her anyway, because the next time i used it, she ignored me. But that was when we were really young. Young as i was, this sense of absence in sister love was already felt. And then we grew, and the more we moved on. The more our characters differ, and we never tried to understand each other. I seriously really truly wonder, what she wrote in the card, which rly made my eyes teary, because it was such a surprise that she wrote all that, and that i never knew she appreciated me as a sister, until on my birthday where i wrote her words. And i thought they were heartfelt, but, again, im questioning this all over again. It kind of hurts too, to see how she really treated me. to see how she's always overbearing, always thinking she's right, always glaring at me, giving me all sorts of crude remarks, never sparing me with all her words. Time and time again, I was hurt, but i never show it. Retorted back I did, hey i've pride too. She will never understand, because even I dont realise it until today. Many times, i've wanted to blog, to rant, to slander her with verbal abuse all over my blog. Always, always i stopped myself and remind myself i do love her as my sister, even though i dont show. I'm not an expressive person, if you are observant enough, or if you even bother, Im never a good person who can maintain frndships. Cliques drift away, people leave, I dont really bother anymore. Few care. But point is, will she ever noticed how much her dearest sister wants her to express love for her? Sounds wrong, but the bottom line is, she has never in her 14 years of existence ever ever ever showed me she loves me or even care for me as her sister. Perhaps she did, in a really indirect and irritating way. She has never been gentle on me, and her presence is sometimes too overbearing. Does she know that I am scared of her. Even when I want to request, merely for her phone or her tablet pc, I get the haughty look, she looking down on me, with annoyance written all over her face. I really don't know what to say, and I know she's not entirely at fault cuz i haven't been trying hard enough, nor making enough efforts anyway.
All I really want to ask is, dear sister, when will you come back to me?

Wanted to blog a thousand things today. Many thoughts ran through my head. But i guess, the only thing left to say right now is, the sole reason why i would get a condo in the future is so that i can just use the swimming pool at night, when i feel so much like swimming. Love the water, almost like a form of destress. Now i cant wiat for blocks to end. Why does it seem like i never study a thing. No mood. Didnt study much today. Think i'll end up disappointing myself and my parents. And nagging folllows and blahblahblah. Wow im good at negating my feelings. Do i even have self-esteem?

Anyway. Pictures.


WELOVETCC.

Shucks.

Parents spotted. At Island Creamery. Didnt know if i shld laugh or cry at tht moment. But Dan saves the day! Hahahahahaaaaaa as always(: been stoning in class for these few days, had laughing moments in Mr Lim's class, took 2 or 3 retarded photos with him for teachers day stuff, but i guess that was about it. If school is slack, i jsut get stonier. Oh mannnnnn, maybe thats wht blocks doing to me. Somehow think im extreme, cuz my mood can swing from here to the other end, and i dont even show it. I look the same but yeah i conclude this is blocks doing. Haha cuz this time round im unprepared, and i dont really am rushing to study or all that thingo. Which is unlike me. So why am i stuck at 16):
Annnnd rumours rumours. The first time a weirded out rumour about me is spread. And i heard of it. Haha if you hadn't, here listen: Rachel likes a guy from NUS who came to her class on her bday and kiss her in front of the whole class!!!!! Woohoo claps claps. Hahaaaaa, me liking about a guy from NUS is an understatement of course, thats the only fact. The rest is so not true. The class can back me up. Haha if it is rly true, the whole world will know by now, and it wont be just a mere rumour. Hmm smtimes wonder why ppl actually believe all this crap when it doesnt make sense. Heard another rumour too, but i guess i shant blieve it. Be gone rumours. And now im talking to myself. Haha august august here i come then!

DEMAND FOR PICTURES!!! MORE MORE MORE!!!

500th post will be a sad one.
Because, I'm always screwing things up.

Volcanic eruption of sweat.
& This is the aromatic scent of love's truest flavour.

OMGOSH I FRICKIN LOST ALL MY PHOTOS. HATE ME HATE HATE MYSELF. RAHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Ah well, i'm damn sad right now. I wish so much i can rewind time then i can be more conscious of what im doing and actually not lose them. Qi si wo ): Shan't talk about it lest im more sad. I do not like TCC for the time being. Haha, me and my stupidity and carelessness. Gdness. Anyway, friday was quite funny becausae we were suposed to do zuo wen and in the end zhuo lao shi forgot, as usual, and gave us a compre. But it was such a less stressful thing than zuowen tht me and stef sort of hugged each other, cuz we were laughing and being so happy, and she said 'lets hug!!!" hahaha i was dman amused tht time, so i patronised her. Oh well, school is fun if you are like tht isnt it? Whats more its the last year, in a all girls environment smmore. Im goins to miss this in JC. Suddenly i dont want JC. Can I just skip to the part where i aced my a levels and are preparing to go uni? Haha shit man, im delusional. Studying was kinda fruitful today. Considering the circumstances. Ran with Eva today, me and my good sense of direction. We ended up turning and turning and walked a whole huge round around maccritchie. Damn funny, 2 sua ku idiots. And eva made another wrong turn aft that, and we were just lost among the tress and mud. So tiring but so fun. We must have like walk 5km and ran like more than 5km. Mad mad, we were talking while walking through anyw, so it was rly constructive ;D Heh. We need Dan next time ;D His irritatingly but super good sense of direction. And his stupid stamina in running, and with speed. Omgosh is he idiotic or what? But speaking about him, omgosh DAN LOOKS DAMN HOT IN BLACK SKINNIES!!!!! Like the really glam black skinnies and not the Ah Beng style. He looks damn hot, and so very goodlooking. I cannot stand him. He looks so good i dont even want to look at him anymore. Hahaaaaaaa. Im not crazy, this is really totally from a honest and objective point of view. Tadah! If i've a chance, i'll definitely advertise his photo here but nah. Okay, time to finish my work.

Wingyau feels like chopping rachel into a million pieces!10:44pm
- Facebook


HAHAHAHAH IM SO AMUSED!!!!!! Funny funny, wingyau is a retarded person, and shes going to show me her trademark fist and funny face if she sees this. Hahaha and im just going to laugh at her even then. Im lazy to bloggg. Oh wellll, Sunday was fun because I went to the Taka Food Fest with family and Dan. It wasnt much of anything but we kept koping the honey. Not cheapo okay, honey's expensive stuff. Want to sample also sample expensive stuff first ;DD Wheeee, then we were running arnd which was rly retarded cuz he bullied me. Qianwen can vouch tht for me ;D If she can tell or smth. Hahhhhh. But it was fun, reached home at arnd 10plus. Im surprised my mum didnt scream at me or as much as nag. Thats so nice of her. Lalaaaaa. Whee went swimming today and felt like crap. Swimming somehow feels horrible today. ): Must be thinking of blocks too much. I think of the blocks thats nearing and im worrying but aint doing anything. PLus the many miscellaneous stuff waiting for us to do, the LA shitttt and personal statement, crap worksheets and quizzes, plus a bio SPA. Wahhhhh so idiotic, just before Blocks as well. They rly want to kill us. So sad. OKay no more procarstinating. I shall stop going out. By this week! LALA :D

The Male Brain is funnier! Hahaha this one doesnt even make much sense. Hahah but whtever ;D I dont understand why sex is closely related to listening though. Enlightenment anyone? Dan? HAHA!

Been kinda stagnant for a long time. I guess I'm not really into the blogging mood anymore ): Haha nothing much happen anyway. Dan came to my house on monday! Haha but he left shortly after. Played with his really pretty and um shiny clean laptop ;D Lalaaaa. Yay, i'm so glad that 4/14 didn't have to change classes with us anymore, or else it will be so ma fan for us. We can't eat on the third floor, which is a really stupid rule to have in school, and we have to travel down to the canteen and up and its just inconvenient. So we are all happy. And had change of seating arrangment. Even though I felt like there was not much of a change of seat plans, especially when our back row was just another combination, like she was trying to separate lili and me. Haha awwww, but we will still have fun discussions about nothing realted to the subject. We rock man. Going to have funfair tomorrow and sadly I'm missing it, like the first time in 4 years, and eva's actually happy. Idiot eva, i hate you forever man ;DDDD Hehehe. Going for MOE excel fest, wonder who will actually come so early to view boring school stuff, i'll probably and hopefully be rotting there. Anyway, JIAYOU 402! (: I'm sure we'll make a BANG with the BANGles!

I WANT MORE PICTURESSSSSSSSSSSSS ):

Never knew how tong ku it is to actually sing. It felt like a string pulling my head back everytime i stop to take a huge breath while singing, and when i sing, my throat hurts, so basically the whole head was hurting. Sad. Anyway, overdue photos!








Pretty Flowers!<3

Fell sick): Sadly. But im on my way to recovery! Wheee. i hate hate hate school. First week is horrible. Esp ytd): The class was quite chaotic. Haha and the weather was killing my head. Rah. PRacctically rushing worksheets aft worksheets. School feels quite unsettled. Guess i need to buck up. And i always say that. ): CME sucks. Why do we have to do project on that. Who cares abt the history of nanyang man. But like what jasmine says, it wld look kind of bad to see a failed grade for your CME. Haha stupid education system and their curriculum. Have to change class with 4/14 next week. Stupid.Now I have to climb 3 floors every morning/recess/lunch. Super inconvenient. Thanks la. And we are OBLIGED to accept their request because we can't say no. So sad. We've to play nice and we are reluctant to. New curtains are actualyl quite pretty. Cuz they are peach. Peach is a nice pretty colour. And it brightens up the class or else the old one makes it seem gloomy and demoralizing. Can't wait for blocks to come and end. Can't wait for end of JC:D

Had weddings the past two days. It was quite fun. Blahblah. I love buffet! They shld jsut have dessert buffet. I'll just gorge myself to death. I missed out quite a few dessert like Apple Crumble annnnd Tiramisu! Tiramisu is ex man, the rum or coffee liquor. Next time I'll just head over to that section first, if ever there's a next time. Lala. Haha I'm hopeless. I don't like seafood cuz its grossssss. Raw is so er xin! I'm just a simple person who eat simple food. Whee, help ppl save money man ;D

Under the starry night, soft proclamations of heartfelt words.

Oh gosh, what have i done?
I feel like the worst creep ever.

In this amorphous, ambiguent space, constantly shifting in locale;
adjusting to our presence, a place where love resides and wishes come true.
As sunlight filters through woven dreams, love space of our paths intertwined,
braided as a never-ending trip, pillows in the clouds of passion;
as time passes in our ever changing universe.

I did not just write that. Hah. Go figure(:

Thank You Lord

I thank You Lord, for the trials that come my way
In that way I can grow each day, As I let You lead
And I thank You Lord for the patience those trials bring
In that process of growing, I can learn to care

Chorus:
But it goes against the way I am
To put my human nature down
And let the Spirit take control of all I do
For when those trials come
My human nature shouts the thing to do
And God's soft prompting can be easily ignored.

But, I thank You Lord, for the victory that growing brings
In surrender of everything, life is so worthwhile
And I thank You Lord, that when everything's put in place
Out in front I can see Your face
And it's where You belong.

I do love this song. It's a song that somehow finds its way to your heart, that no matter how many times you listen to it, you'll never get sick of hearing it.

Is there another word for emo? I think emo isn't a right word. I don't do emo. Just hmm, moody perhaps. Yup a gentle word for it. Again, felt like running but didn't and now I'm regretting. Maybe tmr I'll go swimming. I like the waters(: But that being said, I NEED TO COMPLETE THT PILE OF HOMEWORK AND START STUDYING BECAUSE I'M LOSING ON MY HOLD ON THE GRASP ON THE REALITY OF EDUCATION AND STUDIES.

My thighs are getting fatter, my legs are getting uglier, my face is becoming more hideous, like seriously, my stomach's getting fatter, my hips are getting wider, my hair is becoming disgusting, my arms are becoming flabbier, my voice is turning gross and I sing worse than a crow now. So tell me why am I worth it? What good does it take to, hmm nvm. Wht am i talking about man. Simply trying to list out all the bad points I have that can be seen. So that you know.

Whoa, I'm good at demoralising myself. But anyway, I'm just stating the facts. So that's that.

Pathetic's the word.
Rah my gums been bleeding for the fourth consecutive day. Sucks man. I wonder if tightening your teeth or smth gives you such a result. I'm lazy to call the dentist too. Wanted to run just now, but didn't feel like it. Lazy again. Too sian to do anything. Shall rot at home and dieeeeee. But then again, I'm regretting it. I should have just run, run run run. I think I'd like the feeling of running until my lungs feel like bursting, and that's if tht feeling comes only after i run for really long. Oh well, but in any case, i feel super choked with emotions. I cant stand myself. I need to get a hang on myself and get into reality annnd stop being so hopeless and stupid.

Waiting can't get any worse. Can it?

I must have spoilt my phone by at least about 30% today. Kept sliding the phone, taking it out. The worst that happened was when I dropped the phone, and it was a loud hit on the floor. Biggest damage man. I guess i was really distracted. Seriously. Whole day was just so moodless for me. Bought shoes though. After walking arnd and everything. Yeah ok la. I like it. Swimming had to make me feel worse. Couldnt get into the mood of swimming. Seriously many things run through my head, but i can't rmb wht anymore. Then this stupid boy competed with me. In a way. I noticed aft he swam jsut beside me, then when i took off he took off. I didn't stop so he didnt. But too bad, i won him every lap. He gave up soon after. Stupid. Or maybe I'm thinking too much. Haaaaa. Doesnt matter. Then wanted to swim more, cuz i was like getting used to it, then i saw tht stupid uncle who practically stared at me while in the water, and give me that smile. Ew ew yuck yuck. I just took off straight away. Conclusion: Never Ever EVERRRRR go to the pool on fridays. Alot of people too. i dont like it. Mmmm, I'm bored and sian. I hate holidays because there are alot of work to be done and i dont knw how to complete. I still have math and bio ws, two chinese compo and two chinese book reviews, and a humans essay, two essay actually, plus the corrections one. And alot of catching up for chem and phy which i've not been listening to? Woohoo, I'm so not making myself feel better. Hmm let me see wht else. Just alot. CME SIA!?!?!?!?! HELLO JIAQI JASMINE JIALE!?! Haha forget it. I need moneyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
I need you even more.

A relatively good week.
Tuesday someone came to my house and study. I think i keep asking math questions. Its like the longest math ws i've ever done. And then i realised there were like many mistakes later on. Thanks mannn. Haha. But it was quite cool cuz it was the first time i bake for ppl to eat! I was quite high during the night, kept singing while on the phone with Dan. Siao liao siao liao. I sound horrid and keep going out of tune. But just felt like singing. For like the first time too:D
Thennnn Wednesday went East Coast. Family Outing! Woohoo fun fun. Dan came with us! Whee my dad's power. Paid for him without both of us noticing and realising. Damn funny. Then cycled and had New Zealand's Natural! YAY! Super nice. Double scoop man. Dan is evillllll. He wants to make me fatter): But it was rly nice icecream and sorbet. Lala. He's retarded, went to ask my mum if we can go out the next day which is today! Hee cuz of free movie tickets stuff, HAHA. Funny man. But actually i sort of forced him to ask my mum so tht chances of going out is higher. Tralala my brother likes him man. JOVINA KOR KOR! :DDDD HAHAHA. My mum likes him to la, actually noticed he doenst have a proper water bottle and gave a nike one to him. Heehee. Funny. Whee sent him to his doorstep later on. Cool man. Bake again later on tht nice. Chocolate muffins! Yay i could smell it was nice, and my sister said it was nice. So i guess its nice? Maybe it's just the quality of the chocolate thts really good. But i like baking, with thoughts of baking for someone.
Today was better! Finally er ren shi jie! Wheeeee, watched Kungfu Panda. Ate at Swensens. The service at Suntec sucks big time. And the baked rice taste like shit, im just eating rice,plastic-like chicken and not very nice cheese separately. So people dont ever go there. I think the time we spent sitting there waiting for our food is longer than the time we eat. Should have taken pictures there and then. Pity there aint any): Just before he goes camp): So sadddddddd. Went for PC show aft tht. He purposely went to buy laptop tht goes with a camera. He sucks manzxzxzx. Haha. Then bought a printer tht comes with many freebies. Trolley trolley! We are cheapo ppl. Dragged the bulky trolley to MRT, and up down escalators. So funnnnn. Then i took some of his stuff to his house and met his mum for the first time. His mum quite cute, said many funny things to me. Yay i think no matter wht im always sabo-ing Dan. Wheeeee i rock i rock :P But so fun. Gave him muffins too. His house is messy but rly clean. Haha sounds impossible but yeah I nvr knew tht too. WHEE! Piggy piggy! Shall start saving money already. First time in a thousand years tht i've no money in my coin box. Tsk. But i got a pretty piggybank here. I shall fill it up and bring to the bank ;D Woohoo i'm crazy. But so happy. And in a sweet loveeeeeee!


This is interesting ;D

Rachel
Craze SixTEEN
Radin Mas NYGH
LA Rep
TWENTYTWO.OHFOUR
SAYANG ME AT
rachel.0422@live.com

SINGING'S MY LIFE
friendster profile(:
And love is in the air